'You've put on weight and you're looking tired'
Thanks for that, whether I have porked out a bit or not, or whether or not I need more sleep, I really didn't need to hear that as I've just arrived at a party, in (at least in my mind), wearing my best clothes and looking good.
Two things to consider here.
1. The effect of that comment
2. The person and reasons that person makes such comments.
I know you've all heard one or both of those comments at some point, or if not those precise words, other equally as damning statements.
Whether they're made naively, innocently, honestly or with complete intent, you've been told something similar.
Worse still, you may have made, or regularly say such things.
Back to my party, with the thought that I'm putting on weight and must look crap because I'm not sleeping enough, my entire mood changed, from the anticipation of a good night to keeping my fat fingers off the crisps, getting home, planning my diet and getting to bed early!!!
Actually, as much as I detested hearing those words, it (on this occasion), wasn't too bad, because my instant retort of 'Thank you, if people like me didn't look so s**t, how could people like you look so good', left the 'lacking in social etquette' a**e, slightly bewildered and confused, wondering whether I was being disingenuous, sincere or just plain sarcastic.
Anyway STOP telling people they're looking tired, overweight, wearing naff clothes, unsuccessful etc, etc. UNLESS you're a partner, a close relative or a very close friend. Of course, you may want to say such a thing because you genuinely care for the person and you're concerned about their welfare, in which case choose your moment carefully, in other words not in earshot of others and certainly not just before they're about to enjoy a night out.
The GOLDEN RULE: 'If you haven't got anything POSITIVE to say then SHUT THE F**K-UP'.
If you naively make such comments, then just remember, how do you feel when someone makes such a statement to you ? I'm certain it's NOT an uplifting experience. In other words don't deflate others with your words. You don't appreciate it, why would they??!!
Naivety and a natural lack of social skills is almost acceptable, after all life is a learning process and sometimes common sense isn't always common to everyone.
What about the other kind of purveyor of such commentary, as was the case in my fat & tired situation?
Well that's a different kettle of (insecure), fish altogether!!
I know (and I'm sure you all do), people who HAVE to make a personal statement about you , which is sometimes embarrassing, rude or just downright ignorant, EVERY time they're in your vicinity.
You almost expect it from them and without fail, they ALWAYS deliver.
Quite simple really, in my opinion it actually makes them feel better. In other words, every time such a derogatory put-down (sometimes disguised in a caring voice!!!!), is made, it's almost a mental air-punch for them, while shouting out a long loud 'YEEESSSSS'.
Okay, they may not all mentally punch the air, HOWEVER I'm telling you, it releases a surge of subconscious, feel-good chemicals and they enjoy the feeling.
Don't get me wrong, some don't do it JUST to feel good, they do it to compensate for their own insecurities and as a result it compensates for their own lacking, hence as a default they feel better.
There is also another reason for their behaviour, they might just be intimidated by you, they may feel inferior to you and such actions, once again compensate for their inability to cope with someone who is perceived as better than they are.
THINK about someone who fits the bill, someone who cannot resist telling you you're getting fatter, or your clothes are unfashionable, or you're looking unwell etc, etc, in fact when you think of such a person you will recall they have never (or rarely), complimented you.
Think hard, you'll realise the person is probably quite an insecure little individual (who has built some of their confidence by using you and others as a pin cushion).
Sometimes, the comments aren't even usually said in a nasty manner, they're disguised as comedy comments or rarely, as caring comments.
The worst thing is, some of you have just identified some of your so-called friends who fit the description.
I guess in defence of these monkeys, there are a small handful who are so subconsciously addicted to the feel good factor of f***ing anther's day up, they don't even realise they do it anymore.
Nevertheless, I suspect those unaware types are few and far between. The rest are contrived, mental air-punching, socially inadequate no-marks!!! AND if you think of them in that way, their puerile and irrelevant comments won't bother you as much.
Alternatively, you could just have a repertoire of killer replies, which will ensure they don't ever utter another word to you, such as 'f**k off you insecure no-mark', only joking, don't ever stoop to my level and don't EVER just give in and agree with them or get all defensive.
Sometimes, JUST letting the comment flow over you with no reaction, almost like you haven't heard it, may even be the best remedy.
Naturally, when such a person does it to ridicule you in-front of others, it's more difficult to ignore.
If it EVER bothers you too much and you can't spout out a comedy return or let it just wash over you, a private word in the ear of the purveyor will result in you feeling better and them knowing better in the future.
Remember, you NEVER need to feel less than brilliant thanks to someone else being insecure & inadequate.
These people NEED pin-cushions to prick their little poisons into, it's the only way their confidence is boosted (remember they're not all like that, as I said earlier some are just a little naive and socially unaware).
If YOU, regularly use this behaviour (especially to prop up your fragile persona), with other people, you're really not making friends or influencing people, in fact I suspect most people just see you as a jumped-up bully, with a fairly low level, uninspiring personality. In fact, if you do it enough, you're probably becoming a parody of YOURSELF.
I could be wrong, however isn't that how you would feel about someone, if the roles were reversed??
Anyway, the world is full of completely insignificant, no-marks, who use other people to prop, build and compensate for their contemptible, unimportant and minuscule personalities.
Nevertheless, they CANNOT make you feel inferior or less than amazing without YOUR consent.
Me, I'm off for an early night and Weight-Watchers in the morning!!!