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Monday, 27 June 2011

The Black Mamba Deluxe

The tears poured from her eyes and being the utter imbecile I was, I couldn't decide whether Janey was happy, embarrassed or totally p***ed off. I guess, either way it didn't matter because my stunt got the laughs and recognition I'd set out to get, unfortunately at someone else's expense.

Let's put you in the picture - I'm in my first Management position, it's an upbeat environment, where pranks and hi- jinx are common place. That's not a bad thing, the staff generally appreciate it, it relieves the tedium of long, laborious hours in a mundane job, long before the days of statutory minimum wage.
Anyway, the occasion, it's Janey's 30th Birthday. She is charming and lovely, however it's common knowledge she doesn't have a boyfriend, worst still it's common knowledge she really hasn't been too successful in that department, in fact to make things even worse still, there's a rumour she is still a virgin.

So, being the company clown I was always in charge of doing presentations for Birthdays, anniversaries etc, each one was always more outrageous than the one before.
Now Janey was always up for a laugh, so with the usual goading from the other staff, we had cooked up a real Birthday treat, one she (and subsequently me), wasn't going to forget in a hurry.
Everyone gathered around her work station and the tomfoolery began, culminating in her opening her selection of presents, it was the usual tat that colleagues put together, until it came to the last present, a big rectangle box.
Everyone stood there watching her face, they all knew what was coming and her face was certainly a picture as she opened the plain looking box.
Staring her in the face was a black, twin-speed, double stimulation, throbbing vibrator (known as the 'Black Mamba Deluxe') and it was ridiculously HUGE & extremely aggressive looking !!
Naturally, the staff were in fits of laughter at her shocked face and of course at the huge intrusive Black Mamba Deluxe.
The laughter intensified as one of them pressed a button on the massive device and it completely went out of control, like a loose fireman's hose walloping around, except this was twisting, vibrating, pushing & pulsating, it was a completely obscene and repugnant object, with a mind of its own!!
It was one of those moments that went down in company history. Churlish & juvenile but at the time, pathetically hilarious!!!
Janey, took it in her stride (the prank not the device!), nevertheless resigned weeks later.
On reflection (now that I'm slightly maturer and vibrators are just NOT funny anymore!!), it was a puerile, insensitive stunt, which fed on her insecurity and highlighted her embarrassment.

Weeks later on the way home I took a curve too fast (my driving was even worse than my pranks), I hit an oncoming lorry, the car was a write-off wreck, luckily I sustained no more than a few scratches.
My car was towed away never to be seen again.

As is customary, following any traffic accident, one has to take their licence and insurance to the Police Station within seven days.
So there I was, exactly seven days later in a queue at Coventry Police Station.
An unnerving queue largely made up of rowdy juveniles and generally unsavoury looking people, I couldn't wait to get out.
It finally came to my turn. At the desk was a young female police officer, I told her why I was there, gave her the slip and placed my required credentials on the counter.
She looked at the slip, looked at me and walked into the office behind her, by this time the queue behind me was even rowdier, predominantly male and probably there for greater offences than having a car crash (well at least based on the way they were acting, it suggested they had done more than just had an unfortunate encounter with a lorry, in fact judging the way some of them looked, no lorry would have been brave enough!)
The WPC returned clutching a form and a box, I couldn't help but notice the strange, coy (almost mischievous), even slightly perplexed look on her face.
Before I go any further, can you recall moments when you wish;
A. You could disappear
B. Everyone else could disappear
C. It's all a terrible nightmare and in a moment you'll awake and be blissfully happy, that it wasn't real.

Well, I went through all of the above and EVERY embarrassed emotion you can ever imagine and would never want to be in, as she smirked, blushed, put on a serious face and pulled out (from the box), the Black Mamba Deluxe.
She went red, I went white and the Black Mamba Deluxe (with it's abrupt and nervous plonking down on the desk), started to vibrate and spiral uncontrollably.
For those few seconds my entire life flicked past my eyes, the BMD was out of control, as was the laughter of the people queuing behind me.
It shook, it pumped and it writhed - a bit like me really, as I was trying to explain this obscure situation and with each word, I made the situation worse.
You've probably gathered by now, that Janey (naturally), hadn't taken the BMD home. As I was the protagonist in the adolescent prank (after much malarkey), had just left it in the boot of my car, with all the other rubbish that was there and weeks on had totally forgotten about it.
I finally switched the BMD off, unfortunately the raucous guffawing and gesturing behind me continued, including a few wolf-whistles and several lewd comments, as I left the establishment.

So the moral of the story, (other than don't carry obscene marital aids in your car), think twice before you play pranks on people, or embarrass them publicly.

Building your own profile at the expense of someone else is weak, odious & belligerent. It's never worth the few inconsiderate and boorish laughs, if your subject is knowingly going to be uncomfortable.
In fact, it usually highlights your own inadequacy and shortcomings and if you know people like that, you're just as bad if you're fuelling their malevolent behaviour by joining in or laughing along.

I'm off to check the boot of my car.........