The Black Mamba Deluxe

The tears poured from her eyes and being the utter imbecile I was, I couldn't decide whether Janey was happy, embarrassed or totally p***ed off. I guess, either way it didn't matter because my stunt got the laughs and recognition I'd set out to get, unfortunately at someone else's expense.

Let's put you in the picture - I'm in my first Management position, it's an upbeat environment, where pranks and hi- jinx are common place. That's not a bad thing, the staff generally appreciate it, it relieves the tedium of long, laborious hours in a mundane job, long before the days of statutory minimum wage.
Anyway, the occasion, it's Janey's 30th Birthday. She is charming and lovely, however it's common knowledge she doesn't have a boyfriend, worst still it's common knowledge she really hasn't been too successful in that department, in fact to make things even worse still, there's a rumour she is still a virgin.

So, being the company clown I was always in charge of doing presentations for Birthdays, anniversaries etc, each one was always more outrageous than the one before.
Now Janey was always up for a laugh, so with the usual goading from the other staff, we had cooked up a real Birthday treat, one she (and subsequently me), wasn't going to forget in a hurry.
Everyone gathered around her work station and the tomfoolery began, culminating in her opening her selection of presents, it was the usual tat that colleagues put together, until it came to the last present, a big rectangle box.
Everyone stood there watching her face, they all knew what was coming and her face was certainly a picture as she opened the plain looking box.
Staring her in the face was a black, twin-speed, double stimulation, throbbing vibrator (known as the 'Black Mamba Deluxe') and it was ridiculously HUGE & extremely aggressive looking !!
Naturally, the staff were in fits of laughter at her shocked face and of course at the huge intrusive Black Mamba Deluxe.
The laughter intensified as one of them pressed a button on the massive device and it completely went out of control, like a loose fireman's hose walloping around, except this was twisting, vibrating, pushing & pulsating, it was a completely obscene and repugnant object, with a mind of its own!!
It was one of those moments that went down in company history. Churlish & juvenile but at the time, pathetically hilarious!!!
Janey, took it in her stride (the prank not the device!), nevertheless resigned weeks later.
On reflection (now that I'm slightly maturer and vibrators are just NOT funny anymore!!), it was a puerile, insensitive stunt, which fed on her insecurity and highlighted her embarrassment.

Weeks later on the way home I took a curve too fast (my driving was even worse than my pranks), I hit an oncoming lorry, the car was a write-off wreck, luckily I sustained no more than a few scratches.
My car was towed away never to be seen again.

As is customary, following any traffic accident, one has to take their licence and insurance to the Police Station within seven days.
So there I was, exactly seven days later in a queue at Coventry Police Station.
An unnerving queue largely made up of rowdy juveniles and generally unsavoury looking people, I couldn't wait to get out.
It finally came to my turn. At the desk was a young female police officer, I told her why I was there, gave her the slip and placed my required credentials on the counter.
She looked at the slip, looked at me and walked into the office behind her, by this time the queue behind me was even rowdier, predominantly male and probably there for greater offences than having a car crash (well at least based on the way they were acting, it suggested they had done more than just had an unfortunate encounter with a lorry, in fact judging the way some of them looked, no lorry would have been brave enough!)
The WPC returned clutching a form and a box, I couldn't help but notice the strange, coy (almost mischievous), even slightly perplexed look on her face.
Before I go any further, can you recall moments when you wish;
A. You could disappear
B. Everyone else could disappear
C. It's all a terrible nightmare and in a moment you'll awake and be blissfully happy, that it wasn't real.

Well, I went through all of the above and EVERY embarrassed emotion you can ever imagine and would never want to be in, as she smirked, blushed, put on a serious face and pulled out (from the box), the Black Mamba Deluxe.
She went red, I went white and the Black Mamba Deluxe (with it's abrupt and nervous plonking down on the desk), started to vibrate and spiral uncontrollably.
For those few seconds my entire life flicked past my eyes, the BMD was out of control, as was the laughter of the people queuing behind me.
It shook, it pumped and it writhed - a bit like me really, as I was trying to explain this obscure situation and with each word, I made the situation worse.
You've probably gathered by now, that Janey (naturally), hadn't taken the BMD home. As I was the protagonist in the adolescent prank (after much malarkey), had just left it in the boot of my car, with all the other rubbish that was there and weeks on had totally forgotten about it.
I finally switched the BMD off, unfortunately the raucous guffawing and gesturing behind me continued, including a few wolf-whistles and several lewd comments, as I left the establishment.

So the moral of the story, (other than don't carry obscene marital aids in your car), think twice before you play pranks on people, or embarrass them publicly.

Building your own profile at the expense of someone else is weak, odious & belligerent. It's never worth the few inconsiderate and boorish laughs, if your subject is knowingly going to be uncomfortable.
In fact, it usually highlights your own inadequacy and shortcomings and if you know people like that, you're just as bad if you're fuelling their malevolent behaviour by joining in or laughing along.



I'm off to check the boot of my car.........


MK

Pink Taxis, Dancing Men and HOPE!!

'I get you taxi, you go dancing'

Was what the concierge said on the steps of the Grand Oriental Hotel, in Bangkok on a hot, humid afternoon.
I didn't really want a taxi, I just wanted a quick walk, before we resumed filming a promotional video of the city. It's 40c and I'm wearing an obligatory white (one size too small), T Shirt.
The taxi he beckoned, before I'd even deciphered what he'd said, was bright PINK, with an even brighter PINK interior!!

'Get in, get in, you like, dancing men'

What was even more worrying than that line was the awful little move he did to emulate dancing.
However, it was the 'dancing men' bit that threw me.
At this point our English tour guide turned up and said something to the concierge, at which point the concierge clicked his fingers and the hideous Pink taxi drove across the road.
Their conversation continued for a few minutes, throughout which the tour guide kept saying 'NO' (even I can understand universal gestures!!)

Once they'd stopped talking, the tour guide explained what the conversation was about.
Pink Taxi's symbolise (you guessed it!!)...GAY!!
The concierge had decided I'd prefer the company of dancing men, hence beckoned the Pink Taxi, which was prepared to take me to such an establishment, frequented by (you guessed it again!!), 'dancing men'.
TYPICAL!!! I've got no issue with pink taxis or dancing men, my issue was with the concierge prejudging what I wanted (which as you remember, was NO MORE than a WALK!!).
That wasn't all, it got worse!!
The tour guide went onto rub further salt into an already smarting wound.
I asked why the concierge was laughing so much and continued to laugh heartily.
The tour guide said he'd told him I wasn't interested in men and that I was heterosexual.........that was the cause of his raucous laughter!!!!
Marvellous!!! with that uncontrollable laughter from the concierge, the honking pink taxi across the road (which was still hanging around!!), I put on my best macho (not mince), walk and went off into the streets of musty, dusty & steaming Bangkok.

I stood looking into a shop window, more at my reflection that the forged rubbish on sale, I was seething that somehow the way I looked, gave the driver of a pink taxi the hope of a fare!!
My self pity and vanity was rudely interrupted as I felt something around my ankle, I jumped, I was startled, I nearly stumbled with shock.
It was a grubby, grizzled man lying on his front, on the dirty cockroach infested pavement, clutching my ankle with his dirty, boney hand.
Before I even had a second to react, the shop-keeper, whilst shouting oriental abuse, came charging out of his shop and kicked the man lying on the floor.
The man rolled in pain, no one on the street even batted an eyelid, my ankle was free and the angry shop-keeper hustled me into his shop.
I'm now in shock, not just because I'm in a shop full of forged belts, wallets, & watches but as the man on the pavement rolled over (so easily), I noticed there were no legs in his trousers, which of course explained why he was dragging himself along, eating dust and being trodden on.
In his pigeon-English the shop-keeper apologised for the legless vagrant, who had dared to touch me and then insisted I buy some of the s***e from his shop, because he had clearly saved me from the ordeal on the pavement.
I thanked him for his huge act of courage and left his shop.

Outside, I couldn't help but notice the legless vagrant dragging himself further down the street, considering the human traffic, it was amazing how far he had gone, especially as his only mode of transport was his belly and his fingertips.
Suddenly (as is common in such humid countries), it started to rain ferociously, I ran back to the hotel, people took cover in the shops, the legless vagrant with his face on the dirty wet pavement, just carried on crawling and got drenched.

Next afternoon (now wearing a one size too small, black T Shirt), I got past the laughing concierge, the honking pink taxi and I was back on the street for my afternoon walk.
Not to my surprise at all, there was the legless vagrant again (after all where else was he going to go!!), once again crawling along the filthy pavement.
This time I couldn't help but notice he was smiling and seemed relatively happy (I'm sure he did yesterday, I just didn't notice as he was being kicked by the shop-keeper!!).
He looked up at me (naturally didn't grab my ankle this time), I bent down and handed him 1000Baht (about £15), his smile turned into an endless toothless grin and hoisting himself upwards onto his chest, using his worn out elbows, he put his hands together in a praying motion and thanked me for my gesture, before falling back to the floor.
He then continued to crawl down the street, amidst the dirt, the dust and the disgusting crawling insects (some the size of large grapes!!)

Take what you want from my brief Bangkok escapade, for me it was all about HOPE, what on earth gives someone (as with many millions of people around the world), the HOPE to carry on, accept the s**t hand that's been dealt to them and still SMILE, it certainly put into sharp perspective my disgruntled and pathetic self-pity, about a prejudging concierge, pink taxi & dancing men!!

'When the world shouts it's all over - HOPE whispers in your ear and tells you to carry on!!'


(Taxi for) MK

Secrets, Lies & Skanky girls!!

'OMG, that's f***ing outrageous, she's an absolute dog, were you drunk, was it a bet you lost, she's nasty & skanky' was the insensitive, red-neck, unnecessary reply that spouted from my vulgar mouth. After the confession from one of my (very few, and getting fewer by the minute), best friends, that he had slept with 'Skanky Sarah' (please note- I'm not really sure what 'Skanky' means either, it's some sort of derogatory colloquialism for undesirable - sounds appropriate though!!)
I'm not sure what was more of a shock, his face (at my reply), or the fact that he had slept with SS.

At this point, my friend was regretting telling me his sordid secret, I'm assuming he had a vain hope that I might understand that these things sometimes happen and that he just needed to get the ordeal of SS off his (clearly easily tempted), chest.
That particular evening resulted in one hilarious (and condescending), comment after another. Which (once the shock was over), was fine among friends discussing a secret.

The point of this story wasn't the confession my friend made, neither was it Skanky Sarah. I'm certain many of us are shocked by revelations on many occasions. No, no the point was what I did next, which was even worse than sleeping with SS!!! (not that I would know of the SS experience, having never been there - Honest!!)

Here goes, a few months later, I was with a  different friend, at which point I committed a cardinal sin, I used the phrase, which condemns us to a hell of no integrity & mistrust........'I'm going to tell you a secret BUT you must not tell anyone else' - for the purpose of titillation, humour and scandal I (after using that hellish phrase),  told someone about my other friend sleeping with SS (AND embellished the story with some extra facts/LIES about poor old Skanky, to make the story even more salacious and controversial). At the time, in my tiny mind I'd covered myself by saying 'you must not tell anyone else', however what I'd really done, was let my friend down by being a d**k-head who couldn't hold onto a secret and was prepared to get a few laughs at the expense of another. Wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!

THINK ABOUT IT - How many times have you done that?? How many times have you let someone down that had trusted you with a secret? By using the phrase (or similar) 'It's a secret but I trust you not to tell anyone else'

To make matters worse (and some may say 'serves you right'), it's also happened to me, I've confessed things that have spread like wildfire - and really hurt when I've found out that other people use that dreaded phrase 'I'm going to tell you a secret, but you mustn't tell anyone else'

People NEED people to trust in, people NEED people to confess to - Why? because it makes them feel better, worthwhile and in some cases lifts a burden that they've been carrying - one which would come crashing down like a tonne of bricks,  if they discovered you'd used that dreaded phrase.


Back to the saga of Skanky Sarah. The friend who I'd told someone elses secret to had less integrity than me and continued to tell others, using the same phrase 'I'll tell you but don't tell anyone else', until finally (you guessed it), it got back to my friend. Suffice to say, we're no longer friends, Skanky Sarah is still Skanky (and took her own revenge - which is a good story for another day!!), and I  learnt a valuable lesson - If someone trusts you enough to tell you a secret, then you MUST (and remember this phrase), 'TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE'.

TODAY, I carry the secrets of many, everything from mad, sordid to illegal, but I will 'TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE!!'

On a different point, do you carry any burdens that you've never confessed? Do you even have someone in your life trusted enough with your secrets. Why? Because there are times when you just NEED to tell someone, it brings about an almighty lifting sensation and suddenly your problems & challenges are halved.
Try it, it'll really help you feel better!!
Of course the tricky bit is trusting someone enough. If you don't have any such people in your life, then why not start with yourself, become the person that 'takes it to the grave', don't EVER fall foul of the phrase 'I'll tell you, but you mustn't tell anyone else'.
Becoming a trusted person is an uplifting experience within itself, knowing that under no circumstances will you tell anyone else, secrets that someone has trusted you with.


I do hope this story has made at least one person question their trustworthiness and possibly change for the better - Remember, PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE THAT CAN BE TRUSTED!!



MK

Cheapskates in tight T-Shirts

5pm, Saturday 2nd April 2011, Tesco Extra Coventry.


In walk two chunky men, wall to wall tattoos, sprayed on T Shirts (I know, I've got some of those too, however theirs were filled with bulging biceps, mine are just a deliberate size too small!!!) and very short hair.
Anyway, (and here's some of that prejudging that seems to be so inherent - they were either gay dancers or fascists!!), they looked mean and incapable of stringing two sentences of pleasantries together (especially if they had to address me!!), or they were going to be ridiculously camp and mince & quick-step their way round the store.
Either way, I wasn't going to step out of the way, even though their Lynx odour was overpowering, I found their banter amusing (which upon hearing, I decided they weren't about to mince & quick-step!!).
First TT (Tight T-Shirt), says 'F**k me, I 'aint buying Thorntons, them are a f***ing rip-off!!'
Second TT, replies 'I 'aint buying s**t this year, lets get the f**king beer'


Let me enlighten you, it was the Saturday evening before Mothers Day and the Beefy Brothers were clearly considering (or not in one case), buying gifts for their respective Mothers.


Anyway, first TT squealed (actually it was a shout, but it sounds funnier to say 'squeeled'),
'f**ing half-price, sorted, let's go'


It transpires first TT discovered some half-price chocolates for £3 and swiftly threw back the £10 Thorntons ones.


I was not going to be judgemental (other than the way they were dressed, tattooed, head-shaved, smelt and acted!!!), so what if they skimped on a few pounds and opted for cheapo chocolates, after all Mothers day is just another institutionalised commercial, money making scam - or is it??
Whatever your feelings about Mothers Day, most of the nation celebrate it in one way or another (and hopefully express some GRATITUDE - therefore institutionalised commercialism or not - it's PRICELESS!!)


I stopped myself again, what if the oiks just didn't have the cash, then surely the cheaper option was still a wonderful gesture, of course that was it, a gesture is a gesture, no matter what it costs. EXCEPT, I saw the Tight T-Shirts at check-out, they had so much alcohol in their trolley, that the cheapo chocolates were teetering on top (precariously balancing on a litre of Vodka).
They flung the chocolates onto the checkout almost like they were a threat to their precious Vodka, which incidentally, they gently handled like one would handle a new born baby.


Anyway (rightly or wrongly), it seemed to bother me, even more their clothes & aftershave did!!

But why did it bother me so much ?
Was it because I'd give my right arm to be in their position (I don't mean the tattoos & T-Shirts), I mean to still have a Mother, so I too could buy Mothers Day gifts.
NO, it seemed to be more than that.

My Tesco experience haunted my mind for days and days, provoking much thinking & deliberating.
Then the realisation....S**t!! who was I kidding?
My angst was deeper rooted, in fact my angst was borne of the disturbing fact I may have had the same attitude towards Mothers Day as the TT brothers.
That's it..............it was GUILT!!!!!
Guilt that I would have bought cheapo chocolates (and probably balanced them on a litre of Vodka!!), guilt that I would have also taken Mother for granted, guilt because now she's gone I can't do bugger-all about it and guilt because if I had the chance now, it would all be so different.

Why do we only see the true value of anything, when we no longer have it??

Think about it!!!
Within seconds (if you're honest), you will come up with a list of people or things in your life that you completely and utterly take for granted and rather worryingly (in some cases), that could be your own parents, partners, children, even best friends (let alone materialistic possessions such as jobs, homes & cars etc)

'Most human-beings have an absolute and infinite capacity for taking things for granted'

I don't have the answer, I (like so many), learnt the hard way, maybe we all do, maybe that's the circle of life, that we only learn once we lose, that we are only grateful once we can't grasp the very thing we had, that GRATITUDE is something that hits us ALL, when we have no other option, when it's just too late!!

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.  ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition

So, go and count those blessings, understand what you have and the value it holds.
I truly believe all beauty, all things and all the forthcoming attractions you desire, will evade you and your life, until you are truly accepting & grateful, for whatever you already have in your hands today.

Of course, I could be wrong BUT do you really want to wait till it's too late??



MK (in a T-Shirt that is clearly too small!!)




 

'Happy, Jolly and Oh So Lively'

'Are you gay?'

Was the totally out of the blue, indignant question.
Which resulted in my customary stuttering and obligatory lispy tone reply,

'What do you mean, kinda really happy, as in jolly & gay, in which case YES, I'm always happy,  jolly & oh so lively and oh so GAY'
(immediately, I'd realised the 'oh so' part of my reply wasn't necessary!!)

Let me set the scene, decadent bar in a luxurious hotel, in central Paris. Surrounded by incentive winners and the person intrigued by my 'oh so' gay-ness, a seasoned business leader, who constantly preaches not to prejudge!!!

'No, no, no I don't mean that Mike, not Happy, I mean do you bat for the other side?'

'What ? Like play cricket for India, no I'm not very sporty and I hate cricket'  was my, digging myself further reply.

'No Mike!!' clearly getting frustrated, edgy and (unfortunately), louder and attracting attention from others,  'I'll ask you straight, are you a homosexual??'

Suddenly, there was SILENCE in the otherwise rowdy bar (it seemed at least to me), you could have heard a pin drop...........Slight pause, wry smile, no direct reply, but a question instead.

'Interesting question, one which I'll gladly answer, if you tell me why you ask'

Now it was his turn to stutter and not look so confident.

'Err not like I'm interested or anything, as you know I'm married'

Well that was a sigh of relief!! Not that I was asking that!! Anyway, he continued (probably wishing he'd never asked in the first place!!)

'Well Mike, it's like this, you're well dressed, you're politely spoken, you're not afraid to wear bright colours, my wife never feels uncomfortable around you and loves talking with you and oh yes, you never talk about your private life, so that's led US to believe you're probably gay'

At this moment in time (especially as the whole bar now seemed interested), thanks to the ounce of common sense that intervened, the words that came to mind were not the words that materialised through my mouth.
After all, I didn't want to insult this esteemed leader, even though he had just demonstrated a complete lack of tact, judgement and general people skills.

'You said US, you mean there are more of you, oh you tease, I'm just glad you didn't know, I soooo love musicals, have the entire Gloria Gaynor and Diana Ross collections, oh and of course, I'm such a FABULOUS dancer too'

Unfortunately, that sentence came out in an extremely camp voice (well you try and say it ANY other way!!)
At which point, people laughed, he was red-faced and clearly wished he could disappear, I walked (some would say 'minced'), off  with my double Babycham!!

(Incidentally, the only reason his wife didn't feel uncomfortable around me, was because I was one of the few men that didn't stare at her breasts...........well not blatantly anyway!!)

PRECONCEPTION & PREJUDGEMENT, surely two mindsets that can deviate the mind into incorrect thoughts and feelings, which could result in the wrong actions being taken.

Yet it's so unavoidable, we're programmed with EVERY thing that happens to us from the moment we're born, not to mention poisoning from the media and the influence of all the people we meet during our lives.

A colleague of mine introduced me to their new partner, who just happened to be wearing a brown cord jacket, instantly I thought, DULL Geograpgphy Teacher.
Why? Because somewhere in my tiny mind is a memory of a dull geography teacher who wore similar clothes, therefore my brain had recalled such memories and associated them to this person.
On this occasion, I was RIGHT - totally DULL!! Or was it that with my prejudging he never got a fair chance from the outset, I had already decided he was going to be dull, hence my interaction with him may have been lack-lustre, which may have resulted his being the same in return.

In fact, I can guarantee YOU have made hundreds of such prejudgements just this week, ones which have directed, coloured and channelled your views, actions & emotions.
People say don't prejudge, that's a VERY tall order and one that goes against EVERYTHING we've ever learnt during the path of our lives, (both consciously and subconsciously). Yet imagine how different things could be if you could take everything and everyone, on their own individual merit.
Think of some of the decisions you've made in the last few days, there is no doubt 100% (rightly or wrongly), have been based on preconceived ideas & emotions.
Think further, imagine the difference in the world - there are major conflicts, loss of lives and huge wars caused by prejudging.

The answer isn't simple, except to consciously assess almost EVERY thought you have and by doing so teach your mind to question it's own learning, try it for a DAY, question every idea, every feeling and every action you take - undoubtedly you will THINK, SEE and ACT differently.

The way we view others can seriously affect our personal and professional lives.
It's an area of human nurture, learning & mindset I find fascinating and one that is almost impossible to conquer - let me know how you get on and how you personally try and change the learning's of a lifetime (either publicly through this blog or you can email me at Michael.Khatkar@SKY.COM)

In the meantime, I fancy some dancing to a rousing rendition of Gloria Gaynor's 'I am, what I am'



MK

Fat & Tired!!!

'You've put on weight and you're looking tired'

Thanks for that, whether I have porked out a bit or not, or whether or not I need more sleep, I really didn't need to hear that as I've just arrived at a party, in (at least in my mind), wearing my best clothes and looking good.

Two things to consider here.
1. The effect of that comment
2. The person and reasons that person makes such comments.

I know you've all heard one or both of those comments at some point, or if not those precise words, other equally as damning statements.
Whether they're made naively, innocently, honestly or with complete intent, you've been told something similar.
Worse still, you may have made, or regularly say such things.

Back to my party, with the thought that I'm putting on weight and must look crap because I'm not sleeping enough, my entire mood changed, from the anticipation of a good night to keeping my fat fingers off the crisps, getting home, planning my diet and getting to bed early!!!
Actually, as much as I detested hearing those words, it (on this occasion), wasn't too bad, because my instant retort of 'Thank you, if people like me didn't look so s**t, how could people like you look so good', left the 'lacking in social etquette' a**e, slightly bewildered and confused, wondering whether I was being disingenuous, sincere or just plain sarcastic.

Anyway STOP telling people they're looking tired, overweight, wearing naff clothes, unsuccessful etc, etc. UNLESS you're a partner, a close relative or a very close friend. Of course, you may want to say such a thing because you genuinely care for the person and you're concerned about their welfare, in which case choose your moment carefully, in other words not in earshot of others and certainly not just before they're about to enjoy a night out.

The GOLDEN RULE: 'If you haven't got anything POSITIVE to say then SHUT THE F**K-UP'.

If you naively make such comments, then just remember, how do you feel when someone makes such a statement to you ? I'm certain it's NOT an uplifting experience. In other words don't deflate others with your words. You don't appreciate it, why would they??!!

Naivety and a natural lack of social skills is almost acceptable, after all life is a learning process and sometimes common sense isn't always common to everyone.

What about the other kind of purveyor of such commentary, as was the case in my fat & tired situation?
Well that's a different kettle of (insecure), fish altogether!!

I know (and I'm sure you all do), people who HAVE to make a personal statement about you , which is sometimes embarrassing, rude or just downright ignorant, EVERY time they're in your vicinity.
You almost expect it from them and without fail, they ALWAYS deliver.

WHY????????

Quite simple really, in my opinion it actually makes them feel better. In other words, every time such a derogatory put-down (sometimes disguised in a caring voice!!!!), is made, it's almost a mental air-punch for them, while shouting out a long loud 'YEEESSSSS'.
Okay, they may not all mentally punch the air, HOWEVER I'm telling you, it releases a surge of subconscious, feel-good chemicals and they enjoy the feeling.
Don't get me wrong, some don't do it JUST to feel good, they do it to compensate for their own insecurities and as a result it compensates for their own lacking, hence as a default they feel better.
There is also another reason for their behaviour, they might just be intimidated by you, they may feel inferior to you and such actions, once again compensate for their inability to cope with someone who is perceived as better than they are.

THINK about someone who fits the bill, someone who cannot resist telling you you're getting fatter, or your clothes are unfashionable, or you're looking unwell etc, etc, in fact when you think of such a person you will recall they have never (or rarely), complimented you.
Think hard, you'll realise the person is probably quite an insecure little individual (who has built some of their confidence by using you and others as a pin cushion).
Sometimes, the comments aren't even usually said in a nasty manner, they're disguised as comedy comments or rarely, as caring comments.
The worst thing is, some of you have just identified some of your so-called friends who fit the description.
I guess in defence of these monkeys, there are a small handful who are so subconsciously addicted to the feel good factor of f***ing anther's day up, they don't even realise they do it anymore.
Nevertheless, I suspect those unaware types are few and far between. The rest are contrived, mental air-punching, socially inadequate no-marks!!! AND if you think of them in that way, their puerile and irrelevant comments won't bother you as much.
Alternatively, you could just have a repertoire of killer replies, which will ensure they don't ever utter another word to you, such as 'f**k off you insecure no-mark', only joking, don't ever stoop to my level and don't EVER just give in and agree with them or get all defensive.
Sometimes, JUST letting the comment flow over you with no reaction, almost like you haven't heard it, may even be the best remedy.
Naturally, when such a person does it to ridicule you in-front of others, it's more difficult to ignore.
If it EVER bothers you too much and you can't spout out a comedy return or let it just wash over you, a private word in the ear of the purveyor will result in you feeling better and them knowing better in the future.
Remember, you NEVER need to feel less than brilliant thanks to someone else being insecure & inadequate.
These people NEED pin-cushions to prick their little poisons into, it's the only way their confidence is boosted (remember they're not all like that, as I said earlier some are just a little naive and socially unaware).

If YOU, regularly use this behaviour (especially to prop up your fragile persona), with other people, you're really not making friends or influencing people, in fact I suspect most people just see you as a jumped-up bully, with a fairly low level, uninspiring personality. In fact, if you do it enough, you're probably becoming a parody of YOURSELF.
I could be wrong, however isn't that how you would feel about someone, if the roles were reversed??

Anyway, the world is full of completely insignificant, no-marks, who use other people to prop, build and compensate for their contemptible, unimportant and minuscule personalities.
Nevertheless, they CANNOT make you feel inferior or less than amazing without YOUR consent.

Me, I'm off for an early night and Weight-Watchers in the morning!!!


MK

The Ground Zero effect

New York - June 23rd 2010.
Filming a promotional video for an incentive.
We're on a helicopter flying around the Statue of Liberty, it's an exhilarating sensation, the rush of take-off, the jaunty ride, I'm amazed at this monument, an almighty symbol of Freedom & Security standing so proud and saying so much (all my life I've seen it trashed in films from Godzilla to Cloverfield, every monster, every alien, every stray meteorite, every disaster has hit Lady Liberty and here she finally is, feels like I've known her all my life!!).
The mood is bordering on delirious, I just know our Network will be thrilled with the New York incentive and to take in the enormity of the place this Helicopter ride will be the icing on the cake.
The camera is rolling, I'm fluffing my lines as per usual, the banter is fantastic and we're musing about how we've fallen in love with old New York.
AND THEN SILENCE...........
OMG, how could we have forgotten about it ? How did we fail to mention it during the last 48 hours, since our arrival in NYC ?
A clump of insignificant cranes on an everyday, unnoticeable building site, almost invisible among the heady skyscrapers that surround it.....That is, until the pilot pointed and said 'that's Ground Zero'. Total Silence.
The building site with half finished buildings, blocks of concrete, deep dug foundations with iron girders sticking out of them, builders milling around as they would on any building site, became the most significant square in the world, let alone in Manhattan.
This was the area that made the whole world come to a complete standstill on September 11th 2001. Suddenly thoughts & images that we've seen and remembered a million times since that date came flooding back....Twin Towers, sketchy video footage of the planes striking, the plume of smoke coming from the point of impact, the collapse of both buildings and thousands of people that lost their lives, thousands others searching and grieving for ones they lost - endless images of despair and destruction.
We're all in total disbelief that this is where it all happened, there is a spooky presence about the place, it's almost scary and haunting, so much happened here in the space of a couple of hours that altered the world forever and yet there is a strange sense of optimism and hope, remembering the courage, affection and camaraderie of the aftermath.
The helicopter returns to the helipad and there is time to film a closing scene, my lines are worse than usual, my mood has changed, I can't stop thinking about the 9/11 building site I've just seen and how it's probably more important and iconic than any other monument in New York,
By now my goal to return to NYC has another condition attached to it - Next time, I really want to go to Ground Zero rather than just fly over it. I can't explain why, it's not morbid fascination, I didn't lose anyone personally, I think it's because in my life, like in the lives of millions of people around the world, it became a significant & emotional event, it really has been a case of 'do you remember where you were on September 11th 2001 ?' and almost everyone can recall their precise location, feelings and disbelief.

New York - 20th February 2011 
A goal achieved, I'm back in (what became after my first visit, last June), my number one destination on earth.
This time it's bitterly cold, but just as energetic, wild, amazing and exhilarating as my first visit, this time it's a personal* trip, there is no film crew following, no lines and no microphone.

Sunday afternoon, 20th February, Ground Zero on foot.
It's all boarded up, but you can see the cranes towering above, there are ambitious plans to re-open the site on the 10th anniversary this year (OMG has it already been 10 years??!!).
The outspoken man in the info booth, says it WILL be done, followed by the comment 'I was here when there were bits of planes & limbs scattered in the streets and I will be here when it re-opens, it's all about HOPE & LIFE'
Indeed, once you walk around to the vast viewing area (from inside another building), there is a sense of HOPE, you find yourself mesmerised and staring at the sprawling mess of girders, trucks, concrete, cranes and activity. Bizarrely, everyone else looking through the viewing window is equally fixated and focused on the sight. People of all ages, creeds and nationalities just staring but not saying much at all.
A school trip of girls arrives, the teacher assembles them, they too stare in silence, the teacher gives a brief outline and then finishes with the line 'Thousands of people innocently went to work on September 11th 2001 and never returned. Ground Zero represents moving on about rebuilding, about belief, about living your life no matter what adversities you encounter, don't ever forget today is a gift, that's why it's called the present, value your life' at which point I almost applauded her.
What an amazing sentence to tell her pupils, it clearly went over some of their heads, but for me, it was the most poignant statement I'd ever heard from any teacher. I had this feeling, she was relaying her own sentiments and need to fulfil, enjoy and live her life through her touching sentence. Nevertheless FANTASTIC!!!!
That was the 'Ground Zero Effect', summed up by this NYC teacher, talking to her pupils,
I'm certain there are many human travesties and tragedies with death and destruction, that happen on a daily basis (the tsunami in Asia springs to mind - a terrifying natural disaster, that killed thousands of people), that one can think about and then relate such sentiments to, however most of us saw this happening live, it affected us, it bothered us and it's still a regular reminder and you can physically watch it all being rebuilt.

I guess, my question is, why does it sometimes take something as vast as Ground Zero or in fact any of the other tragedies, happenings etc to help us question & value the importance of LIFE & existence.

Is it because we get caught up in just living and the rigmarole that ensues, with the routine of each day just passing time by ?

Is it because some of us are so busy planning for the future that we forget to live TODAY ?

I don't really know, I just know what happened when I was in NYC - it made me question life and the things I do, not to mention the pertinent question of 'where has the last decade since September 2001 gone?'

Maybe we need to do more to appreciate TODAY, maybe sometimes we're too quick to snatch a moment of pleasure we should/could have, forgetting that TODAY is the most important moment we have, that TODAY is a tragic time-bomb ticking away, one which could explode at any given moment, one which we have absolutely NO control over, one which is dangerous and volatile.
One of my best friends, worries on a daily basis as to what he will do when his Interest only mortgage expires, substantiated you may think, considering when it's term is complete he will have to find a huge chunk of money to pay the mortgage back, or risk losing his home, however there is another 20 years before it expires, so why is he killing himself today? I often say to him, 'why bother living, you're already dead' (and I'm his friend - who needs enemies with a friend like me!!!)
I'm sure there were people who went to work on September 11th 2001, or people who were in Sri Lanka when the Tsunami struck in 2005, that had similar burdens and worries - in a matter of moments, their worlds came to an end.

I love a Vanilla Latte with an extra shot of espresso (camp but tasty!!!), and I have about five a week.
However, I recently read a brilliant self-development book (I won't mention which one), which outlined how the compound effect of not having such a small daily pleasure (and a daily coffee was the exact example), could save a vast amount of money (in my case a yearly saving of 5 x £4.00 x 52 weeks, which equals a grand total of £1040) - Great!! However, my  5 times a week tiny unadulterated, personal pleasure, vastly outweighs the yearly saving of £1040 (to be precise that's almost 260 moments of pleasure!!!) A Vanilla Latte with an extra shot of espresso, may be a ridiculous, puerile example of living your life (and that example from that book may be slightly out of context), but nevertheless outlines the thinking of how important TODAY is, even if it is a tiny pleasure.
The self-development book in question is fantastic and has guided and improved much of my personal thinking, however don't ever forget 'LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE PLANNING YOUR FUTURE'
There is no doubt we have to plan the future and think about what we need to do, I just don't want to forget about TODAY and how ALIVE I am in the present (after all it's a GIFT!!).

Closing line from one of my favourite poems (Camp but appropriate)

'Each minute be with pleasure passed:
Were it not madness to deny
To live because we're sure to die?'

Enough said - LIVE your LIFE!!

I'm off for an irresponsible VANILLA LATTE, while I plan my FUTURE!!!!


MK